You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
