I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
