I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
