is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
