When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
