when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
