come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
