You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
