stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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