Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Pants are for mortals
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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