dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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