sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
