You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
