LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
