Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
