my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
