I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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