Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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