Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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