just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
