his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Everyone says I win the strip club
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
