So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize