It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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