Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
