Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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