Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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