I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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