I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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