it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
being pregnant is like rehab
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
