You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
