just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
