apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
