Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
