Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Sorry about my life...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
