i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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