I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
