Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
