Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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