I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
