I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
