he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize