you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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