She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
