im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize