plz talk dirty to me
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
