I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
