Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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