Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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