I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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