if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
