My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
