What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My cat gives me a boner
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
