I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize
