I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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