then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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