My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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