You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
