Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
