Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
