This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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